Mountain Bike Trailer Park is a regular column written by Uncle Dan that appears monthly on the Dirt Rag Interwebs. He dabbles in a variety of topics including racing, training, trails he loves and not taking himself too seriously, all with a big dash of humor. If you missed his previous columns, check them out here. He also writes a personal blog, which can be found here.
You may be familiar with the Myers-Briggs test that places people’s personality preferences in a four-part quadrant. The idea is, by understanding how different people experience the world, we can improve our interactions with one another.
But so far, no one has developed a similarly rigorous personality quiz for mountain bikers. So, at Mountain Bike Trailer Park, Inc., we set our team of top scientists* to work for you! Just take the quiz below to find out your MTBTP personality type.
*not actual scientists.
Choose the answer that most nearly matches your preferences and sum up the total points below:
1. A friend texts you a couple days before the weekend and asks “do you want to go ride singletrack on Saturday?” You respond:
a. “Yeah, I need the training miles. Meet at dawn?”
b. “Sounds good. How many miles?”
c. “I can’t, I’m still waiting for my purple anodized valve stem caps to arrive.”
d. “I would, but we moved two years ago, and I still have a couple boxes that I need to unpack.”
e. “Yeah, bro!”
2. The ride starts at 9:00. You arrive:
a. 15 minutes early, over-caffeinated, kitted up and ready to roll.
b. On time, sipping gas-station coffee, ready to roll.
c. On time, but you need to adjust your brake levers, because you just put new handlebars on last night. And also, a new dropper post, so the saddle height isn’t right either. Hang on a minute, I’m almost ready.
d. 15 minutes late, and you need to check your tires, pee, and put on your bike shorts. And you forgot your left glove.
e. Whenever. Can I get a lift?
3. As the group is rolling out, you say:
a. “Race you to the trailhead!”
b. “Great day for a ride.”
c. “Hold on, I’m still waiting for a GPS signal on my Garmin.”
d. “I don’t know guys, I tweaked my left hamstring last Wednesday and I think I feel a cold coming on. I won’t be very fast today.”
e. “Haha, it’s hard to spin this fast with only one gear.”
4. At the first trail intersection you:
a. Blow through because it’s a Strava segment and also you don’t want to lower your TSS, or BPM, or FTP, or some other acronym.
b. Slow down and look over your shoulder to make sure the rider behind you took the correct turn.
c. Take it as an opportunity to stop and catch your breath, eat a Clif bar, and chug some sport drink. Also, maybe drop your tire pressure a little.
d. Curse the pace under your breath, and consider turning around and going back to the car.
e. Drink a beer.
5. During a break in the ride, you:
a. What fucking break? Hurry up!
b. Eat something and chat about the trail.
c. Take off your helmet, gloves, and glasses. Shoot a couple selfies. Sit on a log. Eat a sandwich. Take your jacket off and put it in your Camelbak. Put on the arm warmers that you brought. Take a cellphone picture of your bike with the new purple anodized valve stem caps. Post the selfies and the bike photo to Facebook and Instagram.
d. Apologize for being slow. Insist between gasps for air that you’re good to roll out again. Realize you forgot to start your Garmin. Try to turn on your Garmin while everyone is rolling out.
e. Talk about your cog choice. You could have run an 18t today, but you went with a 19, because hills. Drink a beer.
6. You get a flat tire and:
a. Wait for someone with tools and a tube to show up and fix it for you.
b. Waste a CO2 can trying to get the Stan’s to seal, then give up and go ahead and put a tube in.
c. Pull off the trail and take a photo of the flat. Post to Facebook and Instagram. #worstrideever #hardcoremtb #thorn @stansnotubes @maxxis
d. Fumble with your 20-year old hand pump for half an hour. Walk your bike back to the car.
e. Ride it out as long as you can. Fix it if you absolutely have to.
7. At the end of the ride, you:
a. Are already back at the car, in jeans, sipping a protein shake, with your bike on the rack.
b. Slap hands and drink a beer.
c. Stop your Garmin. Wait for the ride to upload to Strava. Give it a cool name. Add photos from the ride. Then rack your bike, change clothes, and drink a beer from your Yeti tumbler.
d. Lay on the ground for a minute. Then hurry up and rack your bike because you told your spouse the ride would be over two hours ago. Drive home in your sweaty bike clothes.
e. Drink a beer.
Scoring. For each answer:
“a” = 1 point
“b” = 2 points
“c” = 3 points
“d” = 4 points
“e” = 5 points
You are a “Furious Fred.” You probably race cross-country. And you may dabble in triathlons or cyclocross. For you, each ride must fit into your training plan. You make spreadsheets for grocery shopping and can discuss supplements at length. You are allergic to dropper posts and steel bikes. Protein! Zwift!
Your best riding partner: other Furious Freds. That’s pretty much it.
Your worst riding partner: Sorry Sam.
You are a “Reliable Ralph.” You race to stay fit, but you would stop during a race to help another rider. Easygoing and generally affable, you enjoy a cup of Tim Horton’s coffee before a ride and one (1) local craft beer after. You are currently halfway through your second watching of the series “The Office” on Netflix, and you can’t wait for Jim and Pam to finally get together.
Your best riding partner: pretty much anybody.
Your worst riding partner: None.
You are a “Gearhead Gary.” You like building bikes, reading about bikes, and looking at bikes. You mainly ride bikes to take pictures of them for Facebook. Three local bike shops know you by name and give you a little discount because you keep them afloat. No single part on your bike has more than 10 hours of use. You just can’t bring yourself to get rid of that 1999 Cannondale Super V hanging in your garage, even though it hasn’t been ridden in 12 years. Social media! Hashtags!
Your best riding partners: Reliable Ralphs and Sorry Sams.
Your worst riding partner: the Singlespeeder
You are a “Sorry Sam.” Mostly because you are constantly apologizing. You are chronically late, your bikes are poorly maintained, and you “just aren’t feeling it” today. You used to be faster, but right now, you just can’t find the time to train. And you’re 10 pounds overweight at the moment. You have six children, two jobs, and an elderly dog. You love the Baltimore Ravens, Philadelphia 76ers, and Manchester United, although you originally hail from a suburb of Milwaukee.
Your best riding partner: Reliable Ralph, because he always carries tools.
Your worst riding partner: Furious Fred.
You are a Singlespeeder. You have curated facial hair and one riding kit that smells bad. You like beer and jokes, but secretly enjoy ripping the legs off Furious Fred on the hills. Your steel or aluminum bike is beat up and you like it that way. Singlespeeders greet one another with the universal “what gear you running?”
Your best riding partner: anyone who can drive you home (beer).
Your worst riding partner: none, although you don’t always understand Gearhead Gary when he starts talking about bike parts.